WHERE A WASTE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO MIND


                                                                    (FBI Surveillance photo)
The stately floating administrative headquarters of Escambia University prepares to leave under cover of the fog for its favored location just outside the twelve mile limit. This refurbished garbage scow houses the University President and his staff. Once known as Midwest Ohio College, this fine university was  moved to the Gulf Of Mexico by our  president, who claims to be a former Time Magazine Person Of The Year. The Ohio move had absolutely nothing to do with a rather ugly series of accusations concerning some unfortunate plastic surgery activities alleged to have been attributed to some of our medical school graduates. We categorically deny the accusations and operate outside the territorial limits of the United States and those countries having extradition agreements with same only because The Gulf Of Mexico affords us an opportunity to operate free of the cumbersome red tape that so hinders many other fine institutions.

A diploma from an excellent higher education institution can open doors for the graduate.   A diploma from EU will certainly open its share of doors for recipients.  Unfortunately, they will  be exit doors and  occasional cell doors.



ABOUT US

            OUR ACCREDITATION 

We will never seek to be FULLY ACCREDITED by some third party organizations. 
Our students, unlike MAJOR WORLD GOVERNMENTS, GAVE US FULL ACCREDITATION by joining us and by taking their learning successfully into the world. You, and you alone, will be the judge of the quality of education you have given yourself. 
You might ask,"Who ALL WILL RECOGNIZE THIS DEGREE?" We would respond by reminding you about how pretty the diploma is. Oh, and did we mention that scholarships are available...and that our athletic teams have never lost a contest? We hope that answers your concerns about who will recognize our degree. 
You might ask if THIS DEGREE WILL IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES AT PROFESSIONAL ADVANCEMENT AND CREATE NEW EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES. The answer is no on both counts. Many of our graduates have found an Escambia University degree may better be kept as a source of personal pride and not a matter of public knowledge. Would you hire someone who chose E.U. for his or her college? Neither will anyone else. 

OUR MISSION:
Escambia University awards doctorates in American Cultural Studies and other degrees.  You may already be qualified for your degree. Escambia University is a school of legendary proportions, a school where imagination and fantasy are not the enemies of reality, a school with an athletic department known for its near mythic accomplishments. Partial scholarships are available for all degrees we offer! That's right, you may already have the needed credits and a partial scholarship is available for the rest!  We have eliminated the burden  of college loans.  Your partial scholarship and your legally binding promise to pay a percentage of your lifetime earnings or one transplant ready kidney sets you up for life.

We offer a chance to get a degree through life  credits. Other institutions created this idea. Some institutions call them prior learning credits or life experience credits. We merely disagree about where the line should be drawn and how to regulate the practice, not whether or not there should be a line. Unlike legitimate institutions, Escambia doesn't require exams, interviews, records or any other proof of prior experience to award credits.  Our honor code says that if your tuition check doesn't bounce, we accept your credits.


OUR ATHLETIC PROGRAMS ARE THE STUFF OF LEGEND
Do you seek the fame and glory of taking part in collegiate athletics?  You and EU were made for each other. Our athletic department issues a challenge to any and all college athletic teams.  We will play any team, especially a championship team, on their site and split the revenues.   We will play any sport and will assume a failure to reply is a forfeit.  We thus remain undefeated in all sports.  Prospective scholarship athletes should have a sport they excel in but it's not a necessity.  We are prepared to invent a sport if necessary.


OUR COVETED DIPLOMA


FOR OUR BUSINESS MINDED STUDENTS SIMPLY REPEAT THIS RULE: "BUY LOW AND SELL HIGH."  YOU JUST EARNED AN MBA.  SIMPLY CROSS OUT "DOCTORATE IN AMERICAN STUDIES" AND REPLACE IT WITH "MBA."  Feel free to print and proudly display the diplomas you earn from Escambia University.

A TAX WARNING:
We have found that contributing  huge sums to imaginary scholarship programs has done wonders for our income tax situation. It certainly offsets the income we receive. You as the recipient will probably not feel this same sense of wonder unless you structure the scholarship in a way friendly to your own Federal, State and Local income tax situation. You may wish to talk to your accountant (especially if his accounting degree is from EU). Our legal people and bean counters are prepared to handle your situation by listing your funding as an outright scholarship, a study stipend, a gift, or our personal favorite: a bookkeeping error.


EU has always maintained dignity while being a vibrant part of the economic life of the community.

NOW LOOK WHAT THIS DIPLOMA CAN DO FOR YOU!

People In Positions 
The following people have been invited to make presentations during this year's career recruitment days. We feel they are good examples of what one can do with a EU degree. 


Business is picking up for Snarly Page (Class of '07) He has been promoted to the Deposit Collections Department at Wedgewood Race Track. He is responsible for collecting scattered deposits in and around the stall areas.

Betty "Bubbles" Teton (Class of '09) has apparently made a reputation for herself as a telephone operator in Dallas. She was recently the subject of a Sixty Minutes episode about Call Girls which will air soon.

It's the outdoor life for 2010 graduate Desmond Dooless. Since receiving his sheepskin, Desmond has made Golden Gate Park in San Francisco his home.  By day Des works in the highly competitive Spare Coinage Industry. Nights will find him following his passion for wine tasting.

Wade Deeply (Class of '13) continues to gather an army to reclaim his native Canada from the space aliens who conquered it while he was earning his Mental Health Degree here at EU. Prior to this he was a policy adviser to several presidential hopefuls.

Earning her Ph.D. in 2008 from EU did not end Sally Shallow's quest for education on the Internet. It is now Rev. Sally. Armed with an EU divinity degree, she operates "That Trucking Sally"with a fleet of mobile Faith Healing/Quicky Massage trucks in the vicinity of Philadelphia.

Henry Brvtde (Class of '15) "Hank" has entered into a three month agreement with Washington County, Indiana to pick up trash along county roads as part of a "agreement" with local government agencies.

Sally Wicckerstump  (Class of '12) has been promoted to the rank of Trustee in an Ohio State Prison where she is working on some obligations surrounding her research in forgery.

Nigel Golightly (Class of '15) is working closely with a group of men who are cleaning up Harris County Pennsylvania with the cooperation  of the Sheriff.

I often see Escambia University graduates working to beautify their communities.  As they remove unsightly trash and weeds along roadways they will often  chain themselves together in case a worker needs to be pulled out of the way of an errant car.  EU people are generous.  I often meet fellow EU graduates as they wave signs to help collect money at intersections for the homeless.  I once pulled over to offer a dollar to such a worker and he saw my Escambia University bumper sticker.  With a tear in his eye he patted my arm and insisted I take the money he had already collected!
                                                     


LOOK WHAT OUR GRADS SAY

We often hear from those who wish to repay EU for their experiences. Typical response: "I live for the day I can pay back EU for my situation in life," and "I think about what happened to me at EU every day of my life,"

Some, like this grateful graduate, include EU in their prayers: "I hope and pray the founders of EU get what they deserve."

One happy graduate frequently reminds us that he used his diploma to free himself from a cycle of mundane, low paying jobs: "Because of my EU Diploma, I can't even get a job flipping burgers."

One graduate is fond of frequently telling us of the impact of his EU degree on his professional life: "The aura of my EU Diploma has followed me into every profession I've tried to enter."

There is no end to what can come your way as a EU graduate. This former student was beside herself in gratitude: "What more can happen to me?"

Many grads have petitioned the government to recognize the achievements of EU. Many wrote: "If I had my way the authorities would look into this place."

"The courts should know about this," is also frequently said. 



CONTACT US BY EMAIL ONLY. We no longer accept letters or packages of any kind.
Email Bill Stockland  (AKA Gregory Potemkin)
billstockland@cox.net

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY YOU RECEIVED YOUR ESCAMBIA UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA! 


A happy EU graduate puts his language arts degree to work!

CAMPUS LIFE
Homecoming Queen SoFonda Boyz was
escorted by EU athlete Craven Morelove

PICTURE YOURSELF AS HOMECOMING QUEEN!
    
Picture yourself.  We're serious.  Print this out and cut and paste your own head atop the body.  Congratulations...this will probably be the highlight of your EU college career.

Are you fraternity or sorority material? Escambia University is for you. We are a proud leader in the GEEK SYSTEM.


Our flounder and current president, AKA Gregory Potemkin,  If you recognize the name Potemkin add a diploma in Russian history to your growing collection. If you know what a flounder is give yourself a Marine Biology Diploma.

Congratulations on your accomplishments at Escambia University.  You may choose to remember that one cannot spell Escambia without scam.   It is an unfortunate coincidence that Potemkin cannot be spelled without pot.

                                                                                LET US SELL YOU YOUR NEXT DIPLOMA
There are many fine brick and ivy and online institutions of higher learning,  We are proudly not one of them.  Once you swallow your pride the rest is easy.  You are in good company. Posthumous diplomas have been awarded to Albert Einstein, Enrico Fermi, Charles DeGaulle, Moses, Ernest Hemingway, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Franklin Roosevelt, Lassie and Marilyn Monroe! AND you didn't have to die to get your diploma! Make sure to print your name and date on the diploma.  Go forth and dominate!