NOW LOOK WHAT THIS DIPLOMA
CAN DO FOR YOU!
People In Positions
The following people
have been invited to make presentations
during this year's career recruitment days. We feel they are
good examples of what one can do with a EU
is picking up for Snarly Page (Class of '07) He has been
promoted to the
Deposit Collections Department at
Wedgewood Race Track. He is responsible
for collecting scattered deposits in and
around the stall areas.
"Bubbles" Teton (Class
of '09) has apparently made a reputation
for herself as a
telephone operator in Dallas. She was
recently the subject of a Sixty
Minutes episode about Call Girls which
will air soon.
outdoor life for 2010 graduate Desmond Dooless. Since receiving his
sheepskin, Desmond has made Golden Gate Park in San
Francisco his home. By day Des works
in the highly competitive Spare Coinage
Industry. Nights will find him following
his passion for wine tasting.
Wade Deeply (Class
of '13) continues to gather an army to
reclaim his native
Canada from the space aliens who conquered
it while he was earning his
Mental Health Degree here at EU. Prior to
this he was a policy
adviser to several presidential hopefuls.
Ph.D. in 2008 from EU did not end Sally Shallow's quest for
education on the Internet. It is now Rev.
Sally. Armed with an EU divinity degree,
she operates "That Trucking
Sally"with a fleet
of mobile Faith Healing/Quicky Massage
trucks in the vicinity of
Henry Brvtde (Class of '15) "Hank"
has entered into a three month agreement with
Washington County, Indiana to pick up
trash along county roads as part of an "agreement"
with local government agencies.
(Class of '12) has been promoted
to the rank of Trustee in an Ohio
State Prison where she is working on some
her research in forgery.
of '15) is working closely with a group of
men who are cleaning
up Harris County Pennsylvania with the
cooperation of the
I often see Escambia University
graduates working to beautify their
communities. As they remove
unsightly trash and weeds along roadways
they will often chain themselves
together in case a worker needs to be
pulled out of the way of an errant
car. EU people are generous. I
often meet fellow EU graduates as they
wave signs to help collect money at
intersections for the homeless. I
once pulled over to offer a dollar to such
a worker and he saw my Escambia University
bumper sticker. With a tear in his
eye he patted my arm and insisted I take
the money he had already collected!
We often hear from
those who wish to repay EU for
their experiences. Typical
response: "I live for the
day I can pay back EU for my
situation in life," and "I think
about what happened to me at EU
every day of my life,"
Some, like this
grateful graduate, include EU in
their prayers: "I hope and pray the
founders of EU get what they
One happy graduate
frequently reminds us that he used
his diploma to free himself from a
cycle of mundane, low paying jobs: "Because of my
EU Diploma, I can't even get a
job flipping burgers."
One graduate is
fond of frequently telling us of
the impact of his EU degree
on his professional life: "The aura of my
EU Diploma has followed me into
every profession I've tried to
There is no end to
what can come your way as a EU
graduate. This former student was
beside herself in gratitude: "What more can
happen to me?"
Many grads have
petitioned the government to
recognize the achievements
of EU. Many wrote: "If I had my way
the authorities would look into
should know about this," is
also frequently said.
US BY EMAIL ONLY. We no
longer accept letters or packages of any kind.
Bill Stockland (AKA Gregory
YOU WAITING FOR? NO
MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU'LL
NEVER FORGET THE DAY YOU RECEIVED YOUR ESCAMBIA UNIVERSITY
A happy EU graduate puts his language arts
degree to work!
Homecoming Queen SoFonda Boyz was
escorted by EU athlete Craven Morelove
PICTURE YOURSELF AS HOMECOMING QUEEN!
yourself. We're serious.
Print this out and cut and paste your
own head atop the body.
Congratulations...this will probably
be the highlight of your EU college
Are you fraternity or sorority
material? Escambia University is for
you. We are a proud leader in the GEEK
Our flounder and current president, AKA Gregory
Potemkin, If you recognize the name Potemkin
add a diploma in Russian history to your growing
collection. If you know what a flounder is give
yourself a Marine Biology Diploma.
on your accomplishments at
Escambia University. You may choose
to remember that one cannot spell Escambia
without scam. It is an
unfortunate coincidence that Potemkin
cannot be spelled without pot.
LET US SELL YOU YOUR NEXT DIPLOMA
There are many fine brick and ivy and online institutions of
higher learning, We are proudly not
one of them. Once you swallow your
pride the rest is easy. You
are in good company. Posthumous diplomas
have been awarded to Albert Einstein, Enrico
Fermi, Charles DeGaulle, Moses, Ernest
Hemingway, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Franklin
Roosevelt, Lassie and Marilyn Monroe! AND
you didn't have to die to get your diploma!
Make sure to print your name and date on the
diploma. Go forth and dominate!